Dean Clough

April 17, 2024

Portico Darwin: A Solution for The Middle East

TODAY'S RAMBLINGS

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3 Minute Read

As I consider the Middle East powder keg, I believe the time has come to call in our special agents.   

But first, please ask yourself:

If Israel's laws and policies were imposed on Iran, what would happen? 
Iran would have rule of law, free and fair elections, minority rights, LGBT rights, etc.

If Iran's laws and policies were imposed on Israel, what would happen?
All/most Jews would be murdered, with perhaps some stoning of LGBT Muslims living there thrown in for laughs.

So while many (like me, as well as a lot of Israelis) loathe Binyamin Netanyahu and openly question Israel's policies, I challenge anyone to debate the premise above.  These fool protestors (like those blocking The Golden Gate Bridge here on Monday) who blame only Israel are ethically confused.  Or worse.

That is because Israel, at least in principle if not always in practice, represents the best of modernity.

Iran and other Jihadist nations bent on the destruction of Israel and other "infidels"?  They are the worst of religiosity and pre-Enlightenment thinking.   

But is there no solution to the clash of civilizations that some have predicted as unavoidable? 

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures, so, and as I do when there's nowhere else to turn, I give you special agents Mr. Roarke and Tattoo, and a Middle Eastern episode of Fantasy Island
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Here is each participant, in their own fantastical words.  And remember:  Because it's Fantasy Island, all of this can happen at once.

Iran
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  • We completely embrace The Arab Peace Initiative (or how about the Arab/Persian Peace Initiative, now that we're on board?)
  • We acknowledge being the main source of the problem, at least in recent years, in this entire region
  • We renounce Jihadism and fully support the state of Israel
  • We renounce violence except in the case of self-defense
  • We want to kiss and make up with Saudi Arabia
  • Because Sunni?  Shia?  Fuck it, we're all Muslims!
  • We wish to rejoin the modern world, as a proud, independent, and free Muslim state
  • And that includes re-establishing normal diplomatic relations with the USA

Israel
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  • Bibi is bye-bye
  • Our policies over the past many years have not made us more secure
  • Our prosecution of the war in Gaza risks making us a global outcast
  • Our settlement-building in the West Bank has not been helpful to our cause
  • Our treatment, at least at times, of the average Palestinian has also not been helpful
  • So we completely embrace The Arab Peace Initiative, too
  • As such, we will now be part of the solution in the creation of a sovereign Palestinian state, premised on the 1967 borders, vs. part of the problem 

Saudi Arabia
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  • We figured this out a while ago, so yes, we also completely embrace the Arab Peace Initiative
  • We've got plenty of money to bankroll getting Palestine on its feet and stabilized 
  • In fact, we're going to use it as a lab of sorts for what a modern, productive Islamic nation can look like
  • We want to make peace with not just Israel, but Iran, too
  • Because, like our Persian brothers say:  Sunni?  Shia?  Fuck it, we're all Muslims!
  • Although we're moving slowly and won't relinquish power, the House of Saud wants modernity - look at that woman driving a car!

Palestine
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  • We won't fuck it up this time, because we finally understand what we've done to date hasn't worked - and never will
  • We renounce corruption
  • We renounce Jihadism and violence in general, and fully support the state of Israel, our neighbor and friend
  • We agree to a military and defense policy similar to that of Japan, post World War II
  • We understand demanding a right of return is stupid, because it's just as unrealistic as Jews wanting to take land back in Germany or Poland or Egypt or Ukraine or any other place from which they'd been forcibly removed
  • And anyhow, we've got our own state now, and funded by the KSA, it'll be nice, so we'll go there
  • And wait until you see how we use their money to rebuild Gaza - it is on the Mediterranean, after all 

Muslims Worldwide
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  • We renounce Jihadism and fully support the state of Israel, and Jewish people everywhere 

Anti-Semites
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  • We're wrong and always have been
  • We've held Israel to a standard to which no other nation must abide; that was wrong, too

United States
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  • We love Israel; always have, always will
  • So of course we completely embrace the Arab Peace Initiative - frankly, we've been trying to arm-twist our Israeli friends into this for years
  • And, in general, can't we all just get along, as long as we're in charge?
  • And the oil taps stay on?
  • And we can keep selling really expensive weapons systems to everyone in the region?

10 Seconds of Seriousness:  I do not mean any disrespect with this especially delusional episode of Fantasy Island.  But something's got to give, or the situation in the Middle East could go from the proverbial bad to worse.  

If that were somehow possible.

FROM THE UNWASHED MASSES

Humility prevents me from sharing Randy Smee's specific comments on London Calling, but I do sincerely thank my former limey colleague - cheers, my friend.  

But I will share his tale of working with Seaco CIO Steve Whittam; Randy dealt with this for years.

You are correct in stating Sea Containers IT moved at, let’s say, a relaxed pace.

In normal times, we had weekly meetings with Whittam in which any ideas and proposals showing the application of new tech and savings were presented.  They were reviewed over the following week and often rebuffed for poor grammar and spelling with corrections in the margins for resubmission in the next weekly meeting. 

However if an instruction came in from (Seaco President) James Sherwood to say, network a new UK port in 3 weeks, all that went overboard, with stupid timescales, but with no limit on budgets. 

Steve Whittam in that situation:  “Just get it done, Randy”

Thank you for reading this newsletter.  

KLUF

Luckily, it's been almost a full year since this album, a new-ish favorite and also an obvious pick for today, has been played on KLUFHere is M83 and the Diamond Certified and 2023 Darwin Award winner Fantasy.
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Laugh if you will, but I can envision this album sticking around (it was released in early 2023), unlike much of the nonsense I hear today.  And yes, I am saying Cowboy Carter will not have the staying power of, for example, Get Your Wings

About Dean Clough